Captain Uchiha
by Domestic Servant
Summary: A parody of Naruto chapter 404. If you aren't caught up with the manga, don't read. Surely the meeting between Madara and Falcon didn't go as smoothly as we read, right? Heavens no! Out-of-character, complete cracktastic fun!


**Ah yes, an extremely out-of-character parody of chapter 404. If you aren't caught up with the manga, then click that back button like your life depends on it!**

**Yosh.**

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"Tailed...beasts?" Sasuke's eyebrow quirked in a twisted mixture of fascination and confusion. Huh. That termed seemed oddly familiar, and he felt as if he'd heard it somewhere...He rested his mouth on his folded hands and mentally deliberated as to why he would react as if he were about to have a flashback at the words _tailed beasts._

Meanwhile, Kisame's eyebrows twitched in disbelief. _This_ was Itachi's semi-genius little brother? Hell, Itachi must've been on crack. Sasuke was a fucking joke. Here he was, flapping his wrist around more often than a gay best friend, giving Suigetsu false hope about killing Kisame, and wondering what in the hell a tailed beast was...

_WHEN HIS FUCKING BEST BUDDY, NARUTO, WAS THE DAMNED VESSEL FOR THE NINE-TAILED FOX._

Hello, does _nine tails_ ring a bell, Sasuke? Apparently not, because he still had that look of serious thought.

And Sasuke's absolute idiocy was already taking a toll on Madara. He was seen with his hand over his face in that _are-you-fucking-kidding-me-this-is-absolutely-embarrassing-and-full-of-shit _look.

"_DestructionofKonoha. DestructionofKonoha," _was the poor man's mantra.

Karin, the hot-pink haired kunoichi of _Hebi..._er...rather _Falcon _pushed her black-rimmed glasses up and began to explain exactly what a tailed beast was. Because, well, she _was_ the kunoichi. _Cough. _

"Who cares?" Sasuke finally said, interrupting the poor soul's speech.

And it was quiet. _Reeaaaal _quiet.

"Uh, anyone who wants to live probably cares, Sasuke my boy," answered Madara who was, though no one could blame him, at the end of his rope. Or, _invisible ninja wire._ Haha.

"I'm not your _boy_, Madara, I'm Fugaku's. Durr. And I meant, who cares _what_ a tailed beast is anyway? Especially in all of those fancy terms..."

Karin huffed. That's her thanks for knowing useless information?!

"Well, to put it in layman's, or dare I say it, _genin_ terms, tailed beasts are pretty much chakra monsters who have a lot of chakra and can use that chakra to kill things, or, in my case, Konoha."

"See, Karin? You couldn't just say that?"

"Haha, the bitch got told."

So, after that snide comment and delightful moment of comic relief, Suigetsu was promptly thrown out from the Team Falcon and Akatsuki meeting by, guess who, a livid Karin.

"Hey, did you guys know that you're under a huge mushroom?!" Suigetsu did a little happy dance and whipped out his ever-so-trustworthy polaroid. Yes, him and that camera had wonderful memories.

"What in the fuck are you blabbering _now?" _And it wasn't really important _who _said that, as the comment would have sounded completely legit coming from anyone beneath the giant mushroom.

"I feel like Alice right now. There's so many mushrooms around me! Do I eat this one? Or this one?" The pale Mist nin was juggling, in his arms, several pieces of fungi. Sasuke slapped his forehead in embarrassment as Suigetsu proceeded to consult a green catepillar on which mushroom he should eat.

"Hokay, back to the important matters at hand...Hows about: Falcon and Akatsuki team up, and you guys get some tailed beasts? Yeah? Do we have any takers?"

"And why, exactly, should we take you up on that offer?" asked Sasuke, in his _big boy's voice. _

Madara sighed. What a mistake this meeting was. "Well, dearest, don't you want to completely destroy the elders?"

"Yes."

"And we've already gone through with how you'd have to kill your way up to the top honchos?"

"...Uh...yeah?"

"Yes, yes we did. And we all know that your measly team consisting of Bipolarman, Fangirl, and Waterboy probably won't even make a dent in the structure of Konoha? Even with the powers you stole from Itachi?"

"...Fangirl? When the hell did Sakura get into this?"

Had Madara's mask been off, one would've seen the blank look of blankness overcome his facial features. "What?"

"Well, Sakura _is _my most memorable fangirl. Good times, good times." Sasuke stared off fondly into space as he remembered all of the near and dear moments as a genin when he would turn her down everytime she asked for a date.

"Dude, she was your _teammate_."

"Ah yes, that she was."

"Dumbass, I meant _Karin_. Karin's a fucking fangirl, too!"

Sasuke's eyes bulged out like they always tend to do when he's in shock. "Really? That's what you call it now? I was thinking along the lines of Crazy and Desperate. I thought people grew out of fangirling."

"Apparently not."

"Well, then Karin can be known as Fangirl 2.0...so I don't get confused, of course."

"Of course, Sasuke, whatever your little heart desires."

"So it's Bipolarman, Fangirl 2.0, and Waterboy. I think Juugo should have a better name than Bipolarman," said Sasuke with a painfully serious expression.

And there came a great big sigh from both Kisame and Madara who were, apparently, the only grown-ups in the vicinity of the giant mushroom forest.

"Fine. Fine. And what would you suggest, oh great one?"

"I'm thinking Bipolar_boy_ sounds best. You know, the alliteration just flows better."

There was that sigh again.

"So, now that we have the always necessary task of renaming all of your teammates d--"

"WAIT!"

"What. Now?"

"How about me? Don't _I _get a name?"

"How about...We call you _SHUTTHEFUCKUP_!"

"No. I won't negotiate any deal with Akatsuki until I get a cool name."

Kisame's hand twitched over the hilt of his insanely huge sword and Madara quickly grabbed the (much) taller man's arm to calm him. Of course, they mustn't kill their ideal ally, right?

"I know what Sasuke should be called!" And in pranced Suigetsu, after a short disappearance. "He should be called: Captain...Captain...Captain Saucepan! See? It rhymes!"

"Yeah, no." That was Sasuke's reply, of course.

"Heehee, how about Fanboy? Or Fanman? Get it? Uchiha? _Man?" _Karin squealed with delight at her cleverness.

"HEY! That rhymes, too!" Of course, everyone had realized that and didn't need Suigetsu to point that out.

"Ugh, that's terrible. _Fan_man? It's like Sandman except with Fan."

"Nothing gets past you, Sasuke." Madara sure liked to sigh nowadays, didn't he?

"How about..."

"How about we call you Captain Uchiha and call it a day?"

"Huh? Tch, fine. Be that way. I'm too good for a name anyway."

"FINALLY, now that that's over, how about we start negotiating, huh?"

"Pft, I guess..."

"So, there are two tailed beasts remaining, as you all know..."

"Hah, I bet Naruto is one of them!"

"Yes, yes you're right..." Kisame rolled his eyes.

"We'll kidnap Uzumaki and you guys can take the other one. All right? Deal?"

"Hmm..." Sasuke tapped his chin thoughtfully and immeidately decided he didn't like this deal. "No, I wanna capture Naruto."

"Oooh, do I smell yaoi?!" Karin clapped her hands together conspiratorally and squealed like the 2.0 Fangirl that she was. After all, that was her Falcon name, right?

"No. How the hell am I supposed to renew my clan with a guy? I can't fucking impregnate a male, can I?" Sasuke thought for a moment. Guys _were _less troublesome to deal with... "Can I?"

A cough was heard.

"No, Sasuke, you can't. Males don't have uteruses...or uteri, whichever is plural."

"I personally like saying uteri, Madara," put in Kisame.

"See, Karin? There can't be any yaoi without any uterus."

"_That _makes no sense, man," said Suigetsu.

"Your _mom_ makes no sense," was Sasuke's clever retort.

"ENOUGH!" Madara yelled. He was just about to slit every one of these brats' throats with a blunt kunai. "I look for Naruto, you look for whoever else is out there. No questions, ifs, ands, or ors...or buts. Got that?"

He quickly did an about face and his long Akatsuki cloak flowed behind him, like in Harry Potter. "I need a fucking drink..." he mumbled to himself as he walked out from under the giant mushroom.

"I think we just got jipped!" concluded Sasuke. Kisame was nowhere to be found and all who was left were Karin, Suigetsu, and Juugo.

--

"So, how did it go?" asked Zetsu, holding a nice large bottle of liquor.

"Just dandy," Madara gulped down his glass of hard whiskey(1) and held out his empty glass to Zetsu. "Gimme another..."

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**Thar it is. A parody of chapter 404. Yay;) I think we all give Sasuke too much credit for being smart. Because, well, he really isn't. I honestly think he'd the dumbest character on there, but that's just me. But I love him all the same!**

**(1) I know sake is the alcohol they drink in Japan, but I don't know if it's really strong, so...I just went with what I know. Not that I've drunk whiskey before.**

**And you know you want to tell me what you think :)**

**CHEERS!**


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